ineffit: (derek)
[personal profile] ineffit
I got the opportunity today to think, really think, about something that has been bothering me lately. When it comes to realizing about your own mental issues, most of the times it takes a bit to stop blaming said mental issues of everything bad in your life; it's going through this stage of "godammit I have mental issues" to "now everything makes sense that's why I'm so fucked up" and from there is extremely easy to think every single bad thing happening. Don't feel like doing anything? Damn my depression. Don't want to go outside because people? Damn my anxiety. This kind of thing that happens when the brain decides to be lazy and take the easy exit. From there on end is more than just extremely complicated to see that, no, is not the depression what makes things stop being pleasant, it's most likely the fact that now it's too comfortable to blame the depression about it to try and change it.

"I have depression, I can't help it." Mental issues are dangerous like that, and it's hard to keep thinking that mental issues don't define who you are. Mental issues are part of the problem, they are part of you, not you part of them, if that ever makes sense. It's something you have, no something you are.

There are a bunch of things that I enjoy doing, or at least I used to enjoy doing them and now I don't know anymore, because I don't remember how long it has been since I did something I liked, and it was extremely easy to go "I'm depressed, I don't want to do anything." The real question was if is it really that the reason I don't really feel like doing some things that I used to enjoy a lot. Yes, maybe part of the reason is that I feel tired all the time, and sometimes I feel like just not existing anymore, but sometimes it may be also the fact that I don't enjoy doing that as much as I used to anymore. Do I not like it anymore? Yeah, I do like it, probably just as much, but right this moment, when I enjoy other things just as much, that specific thing doesn't look as appealing as the other things I could be doing. Sure, some of those things I do them to escape reality, but to be honest, a lot of the things I do because I like them are to escape reality, that's a thing that I do. 

I figured, then, since this is something that I used to like, and I still like it but I'd rather do something else right now, is fair to think of it as all those fandoms I have "left". The fandoms I still know like the back of my hand, and I still follow in some ways, and still talk to people from those fandoms, but I do not involve myself with participating in them. I don't write for those fandoms anymore, I don't really read anymore --maybe once in a while when I'm feeling nostalgic; they're something I still like, and I still get excited over, but not something constantly in my mind. 

I don't write and read as much as I used to. I don't paint and draw as much as I used to. I don't watch as many tv shows and cartoons as I used to. I don't watch as much anime and read as much manga as I used to. I still love it all with my whole heart, but it's okay to take some distance, maybe I'm trying something new, maybe I need something different; and if I ever have free time and feel like watching something I haven't in a long time, then I know, for sure, that I'm still alive. 


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