ineffit: (derek)
I got the opportunity today to think, really think, about something that has been bothering me lately. When it comes to realizing about your own mental issues, most of the times it takes a bit to stop blaming said mental issues of everything bad in your life; it's going through this stage of "godammit I have mental issues" to "now everything makes sense that's why I'm so fucked up" and from there is extremely easy to think every single bad thing happening. Don't feel like doing anything? Damn my depression. Don't want to go outside because people? Damn my anxiety. This kind of thing that happens when the brain decides to be lazy and take the easy exit. From there on end is more than just extremely complicated to see that, no, is not the depression what makes things stop being pleasant, it's most likely the fact that now it's too comfortable to blame the depression about it to try and change it.

"I have depression, I can't help it." Mental issues are dangerous like that, and it's hard to keep thinking that mental issues don't define who you are. Mental issues are part of the problem, they are part of you, not you part of them, if that ever makes sense. It's something you have, no something you are.

There are a bunch of things that I enjoy doing, or at least I used to enjoy doing them and now I don't know anymore, because I don't remember how long it has been since I did something I liked, and it was extremely easy to go "I'm depressed, I don't want to do anything." The real question was if is it really that the reason I don't really feel like doing some things that I used to enjoy a lot. Yes, maybe part of the reason is that I feel tired all the time, and sometimes I feel like just not existing anymore, but sometimes it may be also the fact that I don't enjoy doing that as much as I used to anymore. Do I not like it anymore? Yeah, I do like it, probably just as much, but right this moment, when I enjoy other things just as much, that specific thing doesn't look as appealing as the other things I could be doing. Sure, some of those things I do them to escape reality, but to be honest, a lot of the things I do because I like them are to escape reality, that's a thing that I do. 

I figured, then, since this is something that I used to like, and I still like it but I'd rather do something else right now, is fair to think of it as all those fandoms I have "left". The fandoms I still know like the back of my hand, and I still follow in some ways, and still talk to people from those fandoms, but I do not involve myself with participating in them. I don't write for those fandoms anymore, I don't really read anymore --maybe once in a while when I'm feeling nostalgic; they're something I still like, and I still get excited over, but not something constantly in my mind. 

I don't write and read as much as I used to. I don't paint and draw as much as I used to. I don't watch as many tv shows and cartoons as I used to. I don't watch as much anime and read as much manga as I used to. I still love it all with my whole heart, but it's okay to take some distance, maybe I'm trying something new, maybe I need something different; and if I ever have free time and feel like watching something I haven't in a long time, then I know, for sure, that I'm still alive. 

ineffit: (sammydean)
I finally watched The Great Gatsby. The new one with DiCaprio and Spiderman, not the old one. And there was a reason I hadn't watched it, I knew there was a reason. I mean, I'm not DiCaprio's biggest fan, I like him just fine, like any other person with eyes and ears and access to movies who can see the damn man has talent, and we all cursed all those times they didn't give him his Oscar; you see, I didn't exactly mean not to watch the movie, but it wasn't my priority either, it was just a movie that I thought, well, hey, I should watch that one, what with it being a classic and DiCaprio being there and all that.
So, it was in the back of my mind. Watch the Gatsby. But there was a reason I hadn't.

When we get bored, my sister and I go to the store, or the mall, or the bookstore, or the library, and we buy things that we really don't need but we kind of really want to have just to say we have something.
And so we were at the store looking at the movies, and I wanted to buy Mad Max, because is that kind of thing you just ought to have and I needed to watch it again (and again and again and again in the near future until I get sick and I can't make out faces anymore) and while doing that she saw this movie. The Great Gatsby. And she had watched it before, at school, because she's at high school and they always make you watch this kind of thing when you're there. She liked the damn movie, and she was set I had to watch it. We bought it. Along Mad Max, Spotlight, The Lorax and The Danish girl. And I shouldn't have damn it, I shouldn't have.

You see, we watched The Danish girl, because Trans cinematography and all, and then we waited and waited and didn't watch anything else until just two nights ago. And I hate my life so much, what the fuck.

There was a reason I hadn't watched The Great Gatsby, and it wasn't quite that I'm not a big fan of old movies, or remakes, or remakes of really old movies, or that that Spiderman Guy would never stop being the Spiderman Guy, or that I haven't read the book (which if there was a reason I hadn't even watched the book, where did you think I had read the book); I knew it was going to be one of those damn stories, that somehow change your fucking life forever and you just want to kill someone or cry forever, or kill someone while you cry forever, but at the same time, it leaves you so raw, open and exposed, you just... go to sleep with a sad smile in your face and hope you won't remember in the morning. That kind of story. The kind that makes you feel it was real and really a part of your life.

Or maybe is that I have emotional problems and my brain is fucked up.

Now I have the feeling I need to read the book because maybe there's something missing. Maybe I'm missing something.
And it is that kind of movie that leaves you upset because you can't be fucking upset with any of them. It's quite fucked up.

We have deep conversations at night when we can't sleep or we're thinking too much. You see, I don't like romance. If you ask me if I want to watch something, the last thing in my list is going to be romance, specially if it's sappy romance; I can do sometimes with romcoms, and sad romances, but my mood has to be very special, I have to be really bored or really, really want to watch the movie for a different reason. Romance is not my go to kind of thing, there has to be something special about the romance, something different, really different, or cliché, or just, something. And I'm not gonna say The Great Gatsby is a romance, because it could be, but I'm not gonna say it because it also could not be. But it sure as hell makes you think about love. 

I won't stop thinking for the next hundred years how Tom never loved Daisy like she loved him, and how Daisy never loved Gatsby like she loved Tom. What Daisy felt for Gatsby was a dream, and what Gatsby felt for Daisy was a fantasy, and Nick is the only one that matters. 
And I don't want to talk about love but after all, after everything, I really wonder if it's truly this hard to find someone who can respect you as a person. Because that is my definition of love. Everything else is madness. 


ineffit: (Default)

July 2017

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